Why your baby cries during gentle sleep training (even though you’re right there).

Macall Gordon, M.A.
Oct 21
4 min read

The goal of “gentle” sleep training is to provide your child support while they’re learning something new. Parents of intense livewires may also have a secret hope that staying nearby will reduce—or better, prevent—lots of crying. When there’s still a massive amount of blowback on those first few days, parents can be surprised. “I’m right there. Why are they crying so much?”

How I wish there were a way to change livewires’ patterns in ways they wouldn’t notice. Not possible. Chances are, your perceptive, "doesn’t-miss-a-thing" little one doesn’t let even a tiny shift escape their attention. When we stop doing what we used to do to get them to sleep, they are going to let you know that they don’t like it or understand it, even if you’re right there with them trying to help.

This first, horrible night is when many parents say, “Never mind.” But that’s a mistake. The first night of sleep training is always going to be awful. It’s the second night that matters. We expect that the second night will be better. Once your little one gets past their initial “what the…?” reaction, they start recognizing the new pattern. And when they finally understand it, they usually settle in.

Don’t be surprised when the first night seems like a total fail. It’s not. Even if your baby is crying hard, your presence still makes a difference. Research calls this social buffering, and it actually reduces your baby’s stress hormones even if they’re crying. So yes, the freakout is going to be epic, but being there is powerful. Your child’s brain is registering, “This is new and uncomfortable, but I’m safe because my parents are here.” Once livewires get the shock and outrage out of their system, they start getting the hang of the new pattern you are laying out.

When you are there, you are also allowed to help them calm down when they need it. Children aren’t learning when they’re hysterical and falling asleep after truly hard crying isn’t “self-soothing.” When you step in and help your child calm down, you are keeping them within their window of tolerance for distress. When the feelings become overwhelming, you are there to step in and bring them back down to a manageable level. Self-soothing can’t happen when distress is too high.

Why babies cry during sleep training (even with you nearby)

If you’ve begun sleep training and night one was rough, you’re not alone. The first night is universally challenging because your baby is reacting to change. Their cues and comfort routines suddenly feel unfamiliar, which triggers distress.

That distress doesn’t mean the process is harmful, it means your child’s brain is processing something new. When you remain close, calm, and consistent, your baby learns: “I can handle this. I’m safe.”

This is where social buffering plays a powerful role. Even when your child is crying, your steady presence helps lower stress hormones and speeds up emotional recovery. Over time, your baby associates bedtime with safety, not separation.

A gradual approach to sleep that works for livewires

If your baby is an alert, sensitive, intense, high-energy “livewire,” you may have learned the hard way that the usual sleep strategies don’t work. For livewires, more gradual and supportive approaches often work better. Methods like the Sleep Lady Shuffle that gradually reduce your involvement while providing support help to scaffold skills work particularly well for more intense kiddos. These strategies are gradual and allow for presence and calming.

Any change in the status quo is going to produce a reaction. The key is to set your child up for success (not overtired, no physical conditions) and then support them as they grapple with the changes you’re trying to make. There really aren’t any “no tears” approaches for livewires and we also can’t wait for them to be “ready.” The best we can do is “nudge with love” and support them during the shift.

Practical tips for the first nights of sleep training

If you’re ready to start sleep training, here are a few reminders to make the process smoother for both of you:

Expect protest. The first night is going to be nuts. That’s okay. Get through Night One.
Stay grounded. Your presence communicates safety.
Pick your battles, but fight the ones you pick. It’s okay to only take on part of the night, but really commit. Avoid switching strategies mid-process or bailing. It will bite you.
Offer comfort as soon as they need it. Pick them up to calm them down, but put them back and keep going.
Give it time. The second and third nights often bring noticeable progress.

Most parents report a turning point within just a few days, shorter crying, faster settling, and eventually, real improvement.

Explore more from Little Livewires

Follow Little Livewires on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn, YouTube, and TikTok for research-based insights on raising alert, sensitive kids.

Take the “Do You Have a Livewire?” Quiz to learn more about your child’s temperament.

Read Why Won’t You Sleep?! by Macall Gordon, M.A. and Kim West, MSW — available now and on Audible.

About Macall Gordon

Macall Gordon, M.A., has a master's degree in applied psychology from Antioch University in Seattle with a research-based specialization in infant mental health, sleep advice, and parenting culture.